What is pleasure?
Pleasure is a fundamental aspect of our sexual health and wellbeing.
Sexual pleasure is the physical and psychological enjoyment of erotic thoughts, fantasies, sensations and emotions experienced either on your own or shared with others.
Sexual pleasure is also about sexual rights and freedom from discrimination. It is hard to enjoy an erotic experience without knowing you are safe, in control of your own body, and free to express yourself authentically.
Embracing queer pleasure can be a radical act of nourishment and self-acceptance.
In a society that objectifies or shames certain bodies, embracing queer pleasure can be a radical act. In the words of Adrienne Maree Brown “feeling good is not frivolous; it’s freedom”.
Understanding your body
Pleasure mapping is one way to get to know yourself and what types of touch give you pleasure. It encourages us to explore different areas of our bodies using different pace, pressure, sensation or temperature, and to create a mental or even physical map of what our bodies enjoy. You can do this solo or with a partner, and you get creative with it; play with moisturisers, fabrics or sex toys like a Wartenberg pinwheel or flogger.
It can also be applied to everyday tasks like eating dinner, sitting in the sun or having a shower. Simply check in with each of your senses while doing whatever you’re doing and practice savouring the sensations that feel good.
Embracing our pleasure is a practice that is always accessible to us. Returning to these exercises again and again will make it easier to find the thread between pleasure, sensuality and mindfulness.
Pleasure and sex
Even as we learn that not all pleasure we feel in our body is sexual, some of the juiciest forms of it are! We can build on our pleasure mapping exercise by exploring our many erogenous zones:
Nipples
Ears
Feet
Genitals
Hands and wrists
Inner thighs
Lower back
Lips
Neck
Scalp
We can also experiment with building sexual arousal and orgasm. You can do this through trying different kinds of stimulation through touch or toys; practicing edging (bringing yourself just to the brink of orgasm, then holding back), and exploring fantasy through role play, imagination or porn.
By getting in touch with our own bodies, we create a more expansive and fluid understanding of pleasure and sex. By pleasure mapping, we learn so much more about what we enjoy sexually. When we know what we like, it’s much easier to ask for what we want during sex. It also sets the stage for us to be better sexual partners as we become curious and open to learning about other people’s pleasure map. That’s a win-win.
Queer Sex: a beginner’s guide
What is queer sex?
Queer sex is not one thing; it includes a huge range of sexual practices and subcultures. From stone butches to pillow princesses, queer sex plays with gender roles and sexual dynamics.
There are no sex acts that are inherently queer or inherently straight. Queer sex is more about opting out of the heteronormative scripts that say penis-in-vagina sex is the goal, and everything else is foreplay. Queer sex can expand or challenge social norms. It’s less about a particular sex act or the gender of those involved, and more about creating the sexual experiences we actually want, on our own terms.
For those new to queer sex, we wanted to demystify some common practices. This list only scratches the surface of what sex can look like; you can mix and match, get creative with the endless possibilities of different positions, techniques and types of play. There is no hierarchy here, sex is what you make it!
Oral stimulation: this refers to using your mouth to stimulate a body part. You can do this to vulvas, penises, anuses, nipples, anything you put your mind to.
Manual stimulation: this refers to using your hands and/or fingers to stimulate a body part. This can include fingering a vagina or anus, or massaging body parts, for example, the clitoris, vulva, penis, testicles, anus, perineum or nipples.
Grinding: this refers to stimulating your genitals by rubbing or grinding on someone else or something. This act can be clothed or unclothed. You can do this to vulvas, penises, thighs or toys, for example, strap-ons and vibrators.
Penetration: this refers to using fingers, sex toys (like a strap-on, vibrator or butt plug), or a penis to stimulate inside the body – meaning inside the vagina, in the arse or in the mouth.
Kink: this refers to sexual acts that are considered outside of the mainstream. Though this definition is subjective, common examples include sensory play, group sex, impact play, role play or BDSM.
How to have great queer sex
Now we have Queer Sex 101 under our belt, we can look at what actually makes good sex great. It hopefully won’t surprise you that the answer is care and communication, and that the two go hand-in-hand. We can show care through communication, and through communication we can learn how to practice care. No matter if it’s your first sexual experience, a casual hook-up, or a long-term partner, it’s important that we get comfortable having conversations about sex before, during and after:
Communication before sex can include discussing what sexual acts we’d like to do together and what may be off limits; which STI prevention or contraception are right for us [link to STI prevention AND contraception sections]; and any language preferences we have when it comes to talking about body parts or practices.
Communication during sex is about checking in without each other about how we feel and what we want. It’s about active and ongoing collaboration when it comes to exploring what we want next. Whoever said ‘consent isn’t sexy’ has never been asked “how do you want me to touch you?” or “how do you want to touch me?” Simple, yet so effective.
Communication after sex can include checking in with all involved about how we’re feeling. Finding out what each of us most enjoyed can be both intimate and useful learning. Sex can also sometimes leave us feeling vulnerable or exposed. It may be a time to ask for, or offer, a cuddle, a snack, or some words of reassurance.
Getting skilled in having these conversations throughout sex is a powerful form of care. It recognises that no two bodies are the same and that our wants and needs can change on any given day.
How to find queer community
If you’re new to the queer scene, it can be confusing to know where to start meeting people to date, hook up, befriend and anything in between. Here are some places to start:
Besides going on the apps, look for queer clubs, sex parties, and burlesque or other performance events for queer women.
Join a Rainbow/queer/LGBTIQA+ identified social group, sports clubs or other organised activity
Check out Rainbow Cultures, a directory of LGBTIQA+ multicultural community groups across NSW
Find out what’s happening in community by reading through your favourite queer publication
See what’s on at ACON – visit our workshops page to find a list of upcoming events.
